SG1's 10 observations on life
by AncientVampiricGryphon
Summary: Not very many observations you can make stuck inside a room. Especially if one of them has explosive white-out.


Disclaimer: No, still don't own it people! You ever noticed, on those things called 'the credits', how they have that list of people who own it? yeah? ...well then, you should also remember that my name isn't there!

But you should remember that the expletive bleeper is MINE!!

Spoilers: umm... let's see... my past works have had no spoilers... -checks using spoiler detector- nope....no spoilers.

Am I still amusing you?

I sure hope so!

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SG1 were suffering again...

No, they hadn't been sent on a random mission and chased by fake ghouls and ghosts.

No, they hadn't been subjected to extreme boredom on base.

And no, they weren't locked in a room with mind-altering gasses present ...unless, of course, Jack suddenly feels the effects of that god-awful weirdness he tried for lunch.

General Hammond had had it up to the eyeballs with the things that had been going on with the members of SG1 recently.

Many people had ended up in the infirmary due to minor injuries thanks to Dr Jackson's over enthusiastic 'hunting' of god only knew what.

Others had ended up in the infirmary because they had been knocked out cold by treading on Jack's 'pet' tennis ball as he trails it behind himself and falling over.

The amount of times the briefing room and some labs had to be rebuilt due to 'mysterious' explosive demolitions was becoming too numerous to be covered by the budget.

And the hygiene of the base had dropped notably with the amount of empty eyeliner cylinders and fingernail clippings littering the place.

Being sick up to the eyeballs made the general want to kick the members of SG1 in the low-balls.

But he remembered that not all the members are male and so, seeing as he wanted to make them all suffer equally and didn't want to be sued for effecting any of the teams chances of having offspring, decided to lock them in with a shrink.

This was their first visit to the shrink and yet, they sat there in the locked room, the person in question not turning up at all.

Quite frankly, the person assigned to try to defrag their brains had heard of their 'exploits' and was far too afraid to be in the same room as them, so had figured if he left the rabid animals locked in a room together they might just knock each other off and save him the trouble of working.

An hour passed and still no sign of the good head-shrinker.

Jack sat on the floor in a corner of the room, bouncing his 'pet' off the far wall and seeming quite content to stay that way.

Teal'c merely sat on a cushion with his back against another wall, applying eyeliner as usual.

Sam was sat at a table scribbling away with a pencil until the paper she was writing on started smoking.

Daniel was reading a paper and stifled a yawn.

The clown...err, Kelownan... was sat well away from them all, who knew what they could suddenly do...especially if Daniel still had that lead baseball bat, or Sam had that exploding jello...

So what now?

Sit and wait for the psychopathic tendencies to appear out the woodwork?

Jonas sure hoped not ...

Eventually Daniel spoke up.

"heh, the prices of funerals have gone up again..." the archaeologist muttered as he turned the page of his paper.

Jack looked round and his tennis ball stopped in mid-air on its way back to his hand and seemed to look over too.  
  
Sam looked up from using the fire extinguisher on her notes.

Teal'c paused his artistic pursuit and also blinked over.

Jonas just stared and wondered why Daniel had brought up the subject of funerals.

The heavy silence was broken by the sound of the tennis ball finally reaching Jacks palm and being caught.

"Well, you should have learnt that by now..." Jack started as he threw the ball back against the far wall again. "...observation of life number one: it costs fbleep all to come into this world but it costs a bomb to go out."

Sam nodded in agreement as she put the fire extinguisher back.

Teal'c shrugged and resumed his eyeliner applying.

Daniel just looked round for the expletive bleeper again and, upon not finding him/her/it, shook his fist angrily at the ceiling.

Jonas just blinked and listened, oh boy, another listing...

"observation of life number two!" Sam called out as she finished scrawling something else and set another leaf of paper alight and had to put it out "...shbleep happens."

"I should hope so!" Jack exclaimed while still happily tennis ball bouncing. "otherwise you'd explode." He nodded.

Teal'c looked confused.

Jonas wished he could leave the room.

Daniel just wanted to throttle the expletive bleeper.

"Observation on life number three..." Daniel pondered. "...hot dogs always come in packs of eight and hotdog buns always come in packs of six."

"whatever happens, you still get a hot dog, so stop whining about it." Sam muttered as she tried to fathom the explosive properties of white-out.

"I'm pretty sure you heard that somewhere else..." Jack blinked at Sam then shrugged and resumed ball bouncing.

"Observation on life number four: there is always someone, bigger, better and stronger than you are.." Jack commented casually.

"...So kick 'em in the nuts and run..." Sam added as she sniffed at the white out then decided not to do that again as she didn't fancy getting high.

"my..." Jack blinked in Sam's direction. "...regular little fountain of knowledge today aren't ya?"

Carter just flipped him the finger and resumed her scrawling. Her finger getting a random floating set of blurring squares in the form of a censor...oh no!

Daniel blinked in disbelief and growled, the expletive bleeper wasn't content with just bleeping words out, it was going to start blocking signals out as well!

"Observation on life number five: ..." Daniel thought and started but was cut off by Jack.

"...men, no shirt no service. Women, no shirt no charge." The colonel laughed.

Daniel choked back a smirk.  
Teal'c was filing his nails and looked over at Jack as if he were suicidal.

Jonas had backed WELL away at this point.  
Sam was too busy with her ritual of scrawling and extinguishing to notice her CO had said that.

Jack realised he had not been shot by an exceedingly angry Carter and was still alive so leaned forward and snatched a leaf of her scrawling she'd set aside. "whatcha workin' on Carter?"

Sam chose not to answer that question.

Jack blinked at the writing then flipped the paper back with the rest of Carters notes "your writing looks like a crab scuttling across hot sand..."

"Observation on life number six: ..." Sam said as she jabbed Jack in the back of the hand with a sharp pencil "...the smarter someone is, the less likely the chance you can read their hand writing."

Heh, she must've been listening all along.

Jack yelped and pulled his hand back.

Teal'c looked over at the sound of the yelp. Blinked. Smiled. Reached over and petted Jack's head as if her were some kind of small animal, then resumes manicuring.

Daniel fell over sideways laughing at that and startled Jonas.

Jack just looked confused and backed into his corner more snugly.

Sam bursting out laughing at the sight.

"Alright...you're so smart , let's have another point." Jack barked at Sam and received a dog biscuit from Teal'c.

"Observation on life number seven: ..." Daniel prompted.

"... there's no such thing as growing old gracefully... the older someone gets, the younger they try to act." Sam finished off.

"Where's your proof?" Dr Jackson blinked.

"right there." Sam grinned and pointed to Jack.

Jack looked hurt and pouted then chomped on the dog biscuit.

Jonas blinked. "but he doesn't act younger than he is..." the Kelownan protested. (Yay! Didn't mention clowns! Aren't you proud of me?)

"No." Sam agreed. "but he certainly isn't growing old gracefully is he?"

Jack frowned, pouted and threw the half of the dog biscuit that was left at Sam and watched as it bounced off her head.

Sam flipped him the finger and it was censored again.

Daniel implored them all to stop swearing or making gestures as he can't stand the censoring any more!

"Observation on life number eight:..." Jack blinked at the archaeologist that was pulling his own hair slightly in frustration. "... people just don't realise the seriousness of caffeine addiction..."

"Danny being our prime example..." Sam saying and shaking her head slowly as she looked at Daniel curse and wave his fist at the unknown entity that was more annoying than the v-chip.

"Observation on life number nine: ..." Daniel came back with after calming down. "...it takes twenty four muscles to frown... it only takes four muscles, however, to raise your arm and hit someone."

And the archaeologist proceeded to do so, thwapping both Jack and Sam for using him as an example to their pathetic point about caffeine.

Remember boys and girls, there's always rehab for druggies, self help for smokers and the AA for Alcoholics (and those of us who break down at roadsides) ..but there's no cure for those poor lost souls stuck on the caffeine.

"Observation on life number ten: ..." Sam pondered.

Sam pondered some more...

After ten minutes, everyone was thinking until they forgot what they were thinking about...

"what were we thinking about?" Jack blinked to Daniel.

Daniel blinked and looked lost.

"Escape?" Jonas suggested, noting they'd been in the room hours. He, of course, had remembered what they were thinking about but desperately wanted to get the hell out of there, this random meeting of Psychos Anonymous was not for him... he still had some sanity left and he'd like to keep it thank you very much madam...or madman...whichever you are...

"Escape? ..." Sam blinked and twitched. "Escape... ... escape! Why didn't anyone say so in the first place!?!?" and with that she grabbed a couple of yellow mini exploding jellos from her pocket and wobbled them a bit and then stuck them at either side of the door.

"Hit the dirt!!" Jack yelped and dived behind the table.

Jonas backed off as far as he could into a corner and turned his back towards the explosion.

Teal'c stepped aside to the 'safe zone' and continued to lacquer his nails with a transparent sheen lacquer.

Daniel just stood there and looked at his watch, if he was going to die, he was going to die. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, cap AND badge.

The explosion was larger than any of the guys expected but perfect for Sam and she squealed happily before leaping up and punching the air.

"Time to go!" Jack announced and grabbed Sam by the shoulder and yanked her out as he and the other guys bolted out the remnants of what was once the door.

Sam stopped. "Just so we never have to be locked in that room again..." she said with a wicked grin then flipped out a couple of bottles of white out.

Daniel blinked and furrowed his brow curiously.

Jack looked confused and petted his tennis ball reassuringly.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, as comes as standard.

Jonas saw something bad coming and backed off again.

Sam got both bottles and bit the lids with her teeth and yanked them out, pulled her arm back and counted to three, then lobbed the open whiteout bottles into the room like they were grenades and stood there grinning.

Jack and the others skidded round the corner, Jack taking Sam with him.

BOOM!!!

And the room was no more.

Sam stood there looking pleased with herself.

"...observation on life number ten: ..." Daniels memory suddenly jogged.

"...exploding jello sure comes in handy..?" Jack suggested.

"...liquid paper comes a close second?" Teal'c attempted.

"...NEVER piss off a smart blonde?" Jonas put forward.

"All of the above." Daniel blinked and looked round.

"Crap. I think security's coming!" Jack noted as he heard approaching footsteps.

It wasn't just security.

It was the general too, and from the amount of language coming out of his mouth... Daniel was glad they had an expletive bleeper after all.

So...what's today's lesson buoys and gulls?

That's right...

Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER lock SG1 all together in a room.

ESPECIALLY not when Sam has her jello.

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Another fic delivered to you by and written for you by yours truly...

I am so sorry if that wasn't as good as it could have been...

Please; Read, Review and Reserve the right to change colours. (if you don't know what I'm on about, you never read the back of a packet of crayola coloured pencils close enough..)

And no... I don't own Crayola either!


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